Wednesday, July 22, 2009

SPACE KILLS, the Journal of Flash Ironfist

Day One:
I have begrudgingly agreed to be a part of the campaign to Sernpidal, where we will probably be slowly tortured like so much meat on a spit and rendered for soap. This decision was based on careful weighing of the pros and cons of each option: even though the chosen campaign would be spearheaded by a smelly carpet that could only be calmly described as a pulsating cockwelt, and death is imminent, I know I will be able to kill many people. The other option is to pussyfoot around the galaxy with tin cups looking for trading company handouts, accompanied by two personality vacuums and the physical embodiment of evil. The choice, as it were, seems obvious.
On our way out of Gilead's range, we passed by the Pequod, and there was a tiny explosion to be seen on the far side. Curious that there was no sign of any enemy fire, and the ship seemed to be operating normally after the explosion; whatever caused the explosion, it certainly could not have been poetic justice.

Day Two: We have been in transit for a full day now, and I have read every piece of information or text that is available on this ship.

Day Three: We encountered a small patrol ship of Sith sympathizers. Or at least, that's what Chappy and I told Mokawa when we intercepted the transmission. Luckily, no evidence remained to cast doubt on our story. Mokawa said later that she knew it was Sith because she sensed a great disturbance in the force. She's so unoriginal. [plus one dark side point]

Day Four: Actual Sith this time, as we stopped in a random port populated by smelly humans on a planet I can't bother to commit to memory. There was one androgenous fuck totally giving my man the hairy eyeball, and he was wearing dark robes, so we started talking loudly about how Sith are pussies, and he drew his light stick. Shit ain't right, son!

Day Five: I've been eating the same slug-and-spinach stew every meal for five days now and I swear to God, if Mokawa gives me one more five-minute speech about humanitarian concerns I'm going to rip her tongue out through her asshole. I was taught that move special. It's a good move. And she has shit clumps in her ass fur.

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